Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Last Schizophrenic Note on the Diary

I made a big mistake and stabbed it into its heart. It’s lying down on the floor now, but i’m perfectly aware that it isn’t dead at all; there isn’t any blood visible anyway. I suddenly realized now; it has no heart at all, so what good can it come to stab it. I must be a complete novice in this game, for not understanding or even suspecting that I can give no harm to it.

Please forgive me Life, for messing everything up again. But every creature must have a vice. Than it must have one too. Do you remember a movie where aliens get killed from its eyes, do you know that Achilles can be murdered from his foot. So you, loveless life, reveal me the weakness of this critter I can’t even manage to identify. Help me, for I definitely need your assistance this time; I can’t loose this game. For the first time in my life, I’m full of vigor and energy; if I can’t beat it, it’s going to take my life away from me. Slowly and paintfully.... It already killed my sunshine inside with its clamourous silence.

What do you say about stabbing into its stomach, maybe he could die that way; like every other creature?

Again, no luck... Again, I’ve been mistaken... Now, an unidentified, absurd being with 15 holes in its corpse lies on the floor, and yet, there isn’t even a single drop of blood. It looks as it’s only staying alive not to ruin the carpet. I rather take it to the garden then; it could bleed all it wants there, the earth would absorb and nature would disolve all anyway.
I can feel it’s weakness now, soon enough it would close its eyes... But what if it’s not alive at all, how could one kill what is already dead?
I’m not going to fail this time, I don’t have a chance like that at all. I’m stabbing all over it, but nothing seems to happen. The knife didn’t even sink in; instead of dying, the fucking critter turned into a shadow dissolving all over the place. First I was happy about killing it at last, but the damned thing penetrated inside me. It erodes me in a cruelly slow pace, it travels inside me, eating all my organs.
Since I can’t destroy it, it’s better to destroy myself; considering that he lives in me, it should die too... I need to exterminate it before he finds his way trough my heart; I need to have a heart even after I die, or it would turn my lifeless corpse into a dark and cold creature, like itself...
How different is the coldness of the knife pressed to my temple, from the warmth of the pain, isn’t it? The merciless irony of my life feeds this cursed entity, and I’m here lying on the floor instead of it. Please tell me where the hell this irresistible desire to kill came from, how much did they hurt me, in order to harbor all these obstinacy burning me inside out.

It's killing me before I killed him; this is the definite ending... But, at least, I am still human, I am still good....

Who set the rules “All must be good”, who said “Killing is wrong” and alike, in the first place? I am bad, I am bad and proud of it.
Oh, my vicious lover The Malice, come, come and save me, because I don’t want to die!

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